neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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