I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
