Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
