sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
