my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
