we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
