Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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