There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't deserve a penis
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
