The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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