It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
