I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
