Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
