i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
