here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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