I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sober January is a disaster.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
