Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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