Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
