Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
