just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
