sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Actions speak louder than pants.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
