It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
