if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
