ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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