Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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