Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
