I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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