a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
