The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
