I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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