I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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