i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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