if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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