i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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