Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
