I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
