so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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