FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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