this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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