I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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