You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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