Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
