He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Randomize
