i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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