mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
