Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
