Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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