that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
