Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
