I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
