her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
